This is Part
3 of a series I am calling "Leaning In." Parts 1 and 2 can be found here and here.
It’s funny how long it takes to learn something. It’s often said that 30
days will help form a habit. It is taking me much longer.
These last few years in Chicago have been a challenging season of close friends
leaving. My brother jokingly says, “you sure have the corner on people moving
away!” I definitely feel that way. I often find myself reminiscing about the
way things “used to be” with tears in my eyes and longing in my heart. But
through this, I am learning that my pain is not unique. Countless saints have
gone before me, from whom I can draw wisdom and insight.
Last year, when still one more friend departed, I saw it as frosting on a
bitter cake. It hurt a lot. But it caused me to make a decision to be
vulnerable and lean in to my pain; to develop a theology of pain, loneliness,
and belonging. I first encountered the writings of Catherine Marshall. Next
came Vaneetha Rendall’s blog, Dancing
in the Rain, and countless articles on Jon Piper’s Desiring God. They spoke to my
soul, and even when the season changed and I didn’t feel as despondent and
lonely as I did before, I knew that I needed to keep learning and
collecting kernels of truth to store away for when I would need them again.
It’s so easy to forget the lessons we’ve learned. While giving myself a
high-five for checking the box next to each new thing I read, I was still
wallowing in self-pity, doubt, and again . . . loneliness. Popular introvert/
extrovert psychology will tell you that being an introvert, I shouldn’t have
such a hard time being alone. But, an introvert blog I follow points out that
this is not the case. Ok, so that makes me feel a little better, I am a least
justified in my feelings. But that doesn’t change the fact that I hate it. And
that it makes me feel guilty for feeling lonesome when I know perfectly well
there is Someone who is supposed to be my all. How to reconcile the two?
A year after beginning the Catherine Marshall’s Beyond Ourselves, I took vulnerable step #2.
Around this time, I think I asked the Lord to show me where I needed to walk in
obedience. I am a person of action, I like to have to-do lists and finished
products. But I was beginning to realize that I don’t need to be “moving
forward” to make progress in my faith. There were no shooting arrows with
heavenly messages, but a quiet conviction that I was called to continue
“leaning in” during this season. Walking in obedience was my “task.”
Not knowing what I should read next, I turned to Google and searched for “bible
study” and “loneliness.” Guess what, folks? There are not many loneliness Bible
studies out there. I’m not sure the reason. Maybe this is still a taboo topic,
or more likely, the experts know that this is just one topic in the range of
issues we struggle with as humans in a broken world.
Eventually, I
stumbled upon Lysa TerKeurst’s book, Uninvited. The cover was trendy and inviting
(funny, huh?), but the title didn’t seem like it was a good fit. The subtitle ,
on the other hand, spoke to me: “Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left
Out, and Lonely.” Still, I was a little skeptical. There are a lot of kooks out
there writing Christian books. I didn’t want to buy something wonky. So I did a
little more research and found that Lysa runs in the same circles as many other
authors I admire and respect! That decided it, this was a book I needed to
read.
Even with great tools at my disposal, my own desire to soak up these truths
(through reading, writing, meditating on Scripture) comes in waves. I know that
it is precisely when I don’t want to, that I know I should—even
if it’s storing up truth for the next rainy day. I haven’t finished the book
yet, but Lysa has already opened my eyes to a new way of looking at my own self
in relation to the love of Almighty God. It is from Uninvited
that I discovered my second revelation (the first was Marshall’s prayer of
relinquishment): I am not set aside, but set apart.
This doesn’t hit closer to home than when I am reeling from the pain of
departed friends. I can grieve; feel left behind, utterly alone, and forgotten
by God. Yet the truth is that I am loved, known, and guided by a God who is
infinitely more wise, compassionate, and patient than any earthly friend could
ever be. Naomi experienced this type of pain and anxiety at the beginning of
the book of Ruth, yet her attitude far surpasses how I express myself in
the midst of pain. She was brutally honest with her daughter-in-law, her
friends, and with God, crying out, “Do not call me Naomi
(pleasant), call me Mara (bitter), for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly
with me. I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty.” (Ruth
1:20-21).
Last night when our Women’s Bible Study was discussing these
verses, I was struck by the beauty of Naomi’s story. She begins empty, lonely,
and hopeless. But God’s redemptive actions essentially say, “you are not set
aside, you are set apart.” It is so easy to see pain and suffering as a curse.
But I am so glad that Naomi did not. She recognized God’s hand in every aspect
of her life. With this perspective, her redemption could only come from God.
Looking back, I’m sure she was able to rejoice in the arc of God’s refining
grace. The path of suffering is never our first choice, but being brought low
is often the first step in the Lord’s blue print for our sanctification—the
process of looking more and more like the holiness of Christ.
From her new home in a different state, my dear friend is the
one who continues to remind me of this, saying with fervent expectation, “I
can’t wait to see what the Lord has for us!” Would we have expected the same
from Him if we had not been brought so low?
Sunday, January
17, 2010
