My prayer request for a long time has been asking the Lord
for contentment. After quite a few years of “desert-dwelling,” I got tired of
asking for all the other things really on my heart—like a full time job in the
field I studied, for a husband to love and care for me, for financial
stability, for joy. So I thought, “Maybe I’ll just stop pleading with God for
these things and ask Him to help me be satisfied where I am right now.” It
sounds very faith-filled and righteous of me, but honestly I did it
begrudgingly. Asking the Lord for contentment was not as much an acknowledgment
of His ability as a pity party raging in my mind. Rather than praising God for His faithfulness
and focusing on the Gospel, I was thinking of my own faulty circumstances.
But then something interesting began happening.
In January, after a time of feeling particularly un-worthy,
I felt a tug, a whisper, to go back to school. It definitely wasn’t my own will
that thought of it. The suggestion and timing seemed to come out of thin air.
But I heeded the Advice and applied for an online Masters of Library Science
program. When I got accepted to the program and awarded with some financial
aid, I felt it must be the start of God answering my prayers. I was pleased and
even expectant, but still this internal war of self-pity raged within me. Things
I had prayed for years ago were still waiting to be answered, and here was this
new hope, given within a few months.
Around the same time as I was applying to graduate school, I
signed up to take the membership class at my church. I have been attending my
church since 2007, but had never gone through with becoming a member. The
honest reason is that I was tied up on the issue of baptism (I was baptized as
an infant, not as a professing believer). My pastor and a few others discussed
the issue with me and I recognized baptism as an act of obedience to my church
and God, not something to be self-conscious of or insubordinate about.
So when I became a member, I made the promise to be baptized.
As I waited for the day of my baptism, it seemed like everything began
happening at once. One of my part time jobs all of a sudden wanted me to work more
hours. It was presented to me as a promotion, but one in which others had to be
let go. It made me feel like a rug was being pulled out from under me. It shook
me to the core. I also knew that once my online classes started, I wanted to
work fewer hours, not more. It made no sense. My heart was far from thankful
for this warped answer to my prayers.
As I was trying to pray through my angst, all I felt was a
cloud of frustration above my head. Then one day, as I was walking up by the
beach (I praise God for that beach!) I felt the Lord say to my heart, “Pain is
meant to show where things need healing.” I didn’t really know what it meant,
but I felt like He was telling me to accept the promotion, to walk forward in
faith. I clearly saw God showing me that while He does not promise a painless,
straight path, but He does promise to lead and love me all the way through.
A week later, I was at that same patch of beach, being
dunked beneath the choppy Lake Michigan waves. Before I was baptized, I shared
a few words with the congregation. I said,
Knowing that it was going to be a windy day today, I was thinking about how we see waves and storms in Scripture. In life, it is inevitable that the waves of life will lift us high and plunge us down into the depths. But they are not what is in control. I know that God’s love for me is not determined by my circumstances or whether I cry out loud enough from the squall. He is the One who made the sea (the lake), the waves, the wind. He formed my life. I want to read a bit from Lamentations. I know it seems a little weird. But calling out to God in lament is just as important as singing out praise. “But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.”’ (Lamentations 3:21-24)
If all these things
had not happened in the weeks leading up to my baptism, I doubt I would have
felt the same conviction about God’s sovereignty.
This week, one week since my baptism, I received some news
that seriously threatened to crumble my already unstable ground. My dear
friends—my Pastor and his family—shared that God is calling them away from
Chicago. They are moving to Florida where they will be closer to both their
families. They don’t know exactly what the Lord has in store, but they strongly
sense His guidance in this tough decision. It comes at a time of much financial
insecurity in our church. So on one hand, it makes sense. But it makes my heart
hurts so much. They have been my family here in Chicago.
Would God allow His call on one person cause suffering for another? The answer is an emphatic "no." But I know His adversary, the Devil, would love nothing more than for me to think this. In the weeks ahead, when I am tempted to despair, I must remember that my God is the One whose steadfast love never ceases. He is the King of great faithfulness. And His mercies are new every morning.
