Wanting to be me: thoughts on Joy and Faith

I do not seek to be existential, or at all philosophical, but yesterday I experienced the odd, yet thrilling sensation of being nameless face in a sea of strangers. It was a trip to the Art Institute of Chicago. And though I have been many times, each visit is eye-opening and profound. My Facebook status later that afternoon read, “trip to the art museum= a long walk among perfect strangers and dear friends.” Am I crazy, or did I just equate paintings with my close companions of flesh and blood?

It is both an honest and perplexing observation. Looking back, I imagine that being something Anne Shirley would say—a romantic view of a plebeian past-time. But what does that say about me? Or our society for that matter? How is it that I could be situated within such a space of beauty and inspiration, and feel no camaraderie for my fellow museum-goers? I’ll take a stab. It could be that many such patrons were simply there at the bidding of a loved one—for I saw no love of art in their eyes. Or it could be that I would have nothing worthwhile to say (Doesn’t the art demand silence and reflection?). Yet I believe the reason is far simpler than that.

In an era of social networking and an ever-shrinking world, I desired to just be me. And I choose to fully encompass that role in a place where I felt most comfortable. I wish I had a name for this type of place. Because I believe we should all go there more often. I, as much as anyone, am plagued by the constant inclination to be or act as someone I am not. Yet that is not who God made me to be. He made me to be me (a reflector of His image). Odd isn’t it. If I had not felt this straining tug at my heart, I might not have sought a remedy for this madness, but to the art museum I went. I went to immerse myself in that which is created (made to reflection Creation, I believe) and experience the full range of beauty, grotesque, pain, and rebirth.

In a strange way, this makes me think of faith. I’ve been learning and relearning quite a bit about that small word this week. From Abraham to Esther to David, to Jesus—wow, those guys knew about faith in God. We (and they knew this too) cannot be who God created us to be without recognizing our identity as God’s beloved, and following Him in faith. He is sovereign. We are not. Without resting in that fact, joy cannot be ours. Sure, we might have happiness, we may even feel ecstatic at times, but Scripture says the joy of the Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10).

So when I am driven to the point of an “art museum excursion,” I humbly choose joy. What more can I do for the Man who got down on His hands and knees to wash His disciples’ feet? (John 13:1-17) With a towel around His waist and perfect blood running through His veins, He who created mud took it all on Himself and washed His creation clean.

Love: a discussion subsequent to Valentine's and present in Lent

During Advent I created a special blog to record my thoughts and daily devotionals. But for some reason, Lent does not seem to merit the same type of reflection. Perhaps it’s because there is sorrow and sacrifice associated with the Cross. Yet for believers, there is nothing more beautiful than the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus.  At the cross we see perfect love. Love that, in 1 Corinthians 13 is described as patient and kind; not envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. It is a love that keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. This love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. It never fails.

Living near Loyola University, I am surrounded by the Catholic traditions of Lent. Yesterday I saw many foreheads marked with ashes. Countless Facebook statuses declare what my friends are “giving up” for the season. Some will abstain from certain foods, others have chosen to unplug their televisions, and still others say they will not log onto Facebook until Easter Monday. I’m sure this Friday I’ll be able to smell the scent of frying fish.

But what does it really mean to abstain for the Lord? I have often wondered this as I fast during the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. Fasting, whether from food or pleasure, means nothing unless it is done with the right heart attitude. So before you congratulate yourself for getting through one week without carbonated beverages or cable TV, check your heart and see if those things are really being replaced by a deeper devotion and love for Christ.

I love when God uses irony. One might consider it a coincidence that my small group is studying the life of King David, while at the same time my Sunday night Bible Study is going through the Psalms.  But I know better. God uses repetition to get our attention—an especially useful tactic for us self-centered “sheep.” Anyway, this last Sunday we read Psalm 22. This psalm of David is often expressed as the Crucifixion Psalm. It is prophetic in nature, speaking in great detail about the death of One who suffers and the joy of the Lord’s sovereignty.  Being Valentine’s Day, it was a perfect picture of Christ’s love—that God’s Son would suffer and taste the bitterness of death for us. Just as John says in chapter 15, verse 13: “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

May this be our vision as we walk through this season of Lent. Allow God to speak to your heart as He draws you closer to the Cross.

So I guess I am fighting a battle

Do you ever feel like your life is stagnant? That all you’re doing is keeping time?

Two weeks ago I was reading 1 Samuel 17 (you know, the part where David kills Goliath) in preparation for my small group Bible Study. And God spoke some powerful words. Little shepherd boy David was not looking for adventure. He was not looking to be a hero. He was not looking for victory. But God brought him right up against a giant and said “fight.” As I have experienced with God’s voice in my own life, He did not audibly decree that David kill the giant, but He prepared him for that moment. David had all the tools he needed. He was strong, he was courageous, but most of all he trusted in the Almighty God. He was equipped with all he needed for the task. And that was enough for there to be victory that day in the Valley of Elah.

With this in mind, and fully believing that Scripture is the Living Word, I set out to not look for adventure, heroism or victory. And guess what God did? He dropped three possibilities of further employment into my lap. Now I’ve heard it said, “when it rains, it pours,” but this was a little unprecedented. I went from praying earnestly for God to release me from the grips of retail to praying for discernment about which path to pursue. If nothing else, He has a sense of humor. 

So I guess I am fighting a “battle” (oftentimes with myself and my worries). It is neither with sword nor sling, in fact, I am not even sure what it is against. But I do know the Lord does hear, and He is moving. Even though things feel stagnant, I know the Lord is preparing the way for whatever is to come.  This past December at the Urbana missions conference I heard Patrick Fung, the director of OMF say, “God’s work, done in God’s will, will never lack God’s supply.” Such true and powerful words!

God is in the details.

What does one do with a Masters degree, a faith in the Almighty God, and a ¾ time job in retail? Easy-- the wise words of Micah the prophet (6:8): act justly, love mercy , and walk humbly with God. So simple. Right?

This last semester I have been struggling a lot with trusting my future job and career to God. . . I keep telling myself that God will provide, just be patient. But in doing so, I think I forgot to look at where I am now. I get so wrapped up in the future that I lose focus on the present. (Which is really funny since I am usually very wrapped up in the past—as a history major). . . Anyway, what’s that verse that talks about worry? Oh yeah,

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? . . . But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” –Matthew 6:25-27, 33

I need to read that more often. And take time to slow down and dwell on God’s promises. So guess what happened? I got sick. I caught a bug and it made me slow down. It made me take time to rest. And in the process I was able to see God’s hand at work--the small details that my Heavenly Father delights in. The same details that I too often over look, or at least take for granted.

Last Thursday instead of going to small group Bible Study, I was able to sit on my couch and read through my notes from Urbana (Intervarsity Christian Fellowship’s missions convention that I attended the last week in December). God spoke in powerful ways at that conference. But how much good are powerful words when they are trapped inside a notebook. On Saturday I was able to sit down and read . . . something I haven’t had the patience for in a while.
And today, instead of standing at a cash register telling students that it was too late to return textbooks, I sat on the couch and listened to a sermon by Mark Driscoll. But this was not just any sermon. Together with a fellow pastor and a media team, Driscoll created an organization (Churches Helping Churches) and implemented a trip to Haiti. The goal: to bring awareness of the need and the perseverance of believers in Haiti, and to create a conduit for churches around the world to serve the Church in Haiti. It was a very powerful message; one that made my own worries and problems seem so trivial and selfish.

God is in the details. We may never know why He allowed destruction to strike an already devastated country. But I do know that God will and has used every event in history for His purpose. Just as with the cross, it takes death to bring life. Out of the brokenness, our Creator will breathe life. We just have to let Him. We can worry and wallow in the world’s pain, or we can choose to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with our God. He will do the rest. Promise.

Glimpses of God's Glory

Yesterday I decided to visit the Art Institute of Chicago. I love that place, but I haven’t been there since last spring when I graduated. I had high hopes that by this time I would be employed at a place like the Art Institute, but it seems that God has had other plans.

There’s something almost sacred about the art-lined halls. The pieces not only depict beauty, but they tell history, evoke emotion, and ultimately, show a glimpse of God’s glory. No matter what I end up doing with my life, I do know that art will be a part of it. From an early age I saw my parent using their artistic abilities and visual creations as both worship and a means to share God’s goodness with others. So why would less be expected of me?

When I see an image that truly evokes God’s glory (often without crosses and Jesus fishes—imagine that!), I feel great joy. This is creation, designed by humans, divinely inspired by their Creator God. One of my professors at North Park often spoke of God as Creator. Being in the arts, this was the way he best thought of God. I have often reflected on that characteristic. The very first thing God did for us was create. From there, every other good thing was able to be revealed to His creation.

It is often said that a picture is worth a thousand words. I have seen many images for which this is true; many pieces of art, photographs, sculptures, monuments that evoke great emotion.  From the Gospel of John we know that the image of God is captured by just one Word.  God’s voice is made flesh in His Son, Jesus Christ. What a glorious image!

A new year . . . a new blog, well sort of.

It has been almost a million years since I last wrote on this blog . . . but not really, since I transferred my old blog to this new address last week. And during the month of December I created a different site altogether for my Advent Blog (http://lineageofexpectation.blogspot.com/).

But fear not, dear friends and semi-devoted readers. I am back. I have made it a new year's resolution to write on a regular basis. Not just to record my often-monotonous existence, but to transcribe life's mediocrity into glorious possibilities. I make no promises of eloquence or finesse, but I do hope that my thoughts and reflections will bring you inspiration and affirmation. Most of all, I am using this space to process the ways that God is working in my own life. I write, knowing in faith that I will be drawn closer to Him and the plans He has for my life.

But this blog is not just about giving. In this process I hope to receive as well. As you read, I encourage you to leave comments and words of affirmation. This will help to keep me disciplined, and might even spur dialogue--always a good side effect of blogging.

A portfolio of my photography, art, and designs

First semester outside the classroom

I have had a very busy and monotonous month since I last wrote on this blog. Each time I write I tell myself I am going to be more diligent and intentional about recording my happenings. But one thing or another distracts my attention. In the past it's been the busyness of the new semester, lots of books to read, or a really long paper to write. This time it was working 40-or-so hours at the Loyola bookstore. This has included lots of mayhem, and lots of soreness from hauling books, running in circles to help customers and manning the register. But now things are slowing down a bit, and I have time to think and do.

This last weekend I traveled to Madison for the long Labor Day weekend and to see a friend get married. I look the Van Galder bus, which is always a tedious 3-4 hours, but a marvelous opportunity to day-dream about ideas, plans and the future. On this particular trip, my brain was focused on wanting to do something Public History-oriented while I am not yet working in the Public History field. Something to pad my resume, if you will, and keep me on my feet. This is what I came up with:

For some time I've been toying with the idea of learning how to make a website. Paired with this is my own family history project which has become a never-ending hobby. I eventually wanted to compile the information, photos and family tree into a book. But then I got to thinking, why not a website, that I could update as I discover new information? So, folks, I have decided I am going to create a website! I still need to find the best provider and the cheapest way to get a domain name, but at least the ball is rolling. I'll start with the family tree and the basic birth, marriage, death info, but eventually I want to write a narrative--if somewhat fictionalized-- of their immigration and life in America.

A similar project fell into my lap courtesy of Jews for Jesus. Each fall, Jews for Jesus hosts a long-weekend retreat in WI. In addition to plenary sessions and general fun, there are workshop sessions, and I get to teach one! I have yet to hone down the details, but I am going to talk about how the grand sweeping narrative of Jewish history is so important to the understanding of an individual's own family history. Almost every paper I've written during my college career touched on the Jewish experience, so I have a lot of information to pull from. This should be fun, but I am going to need some input. Let me know you have any suggestions.

So in between working at the bookstore and scouring job postings on craigslist, monster.com, and museum websites, I do in fact have some things to keep me busy. That's always a good thing, right?

this is the normal. this is the mundane. this is life.

It has been almost one week since I returned from New York. The moment I stepped out of the airport shuttle and walked into my apartment, I felt a paradoxical feeling of both relaxation and unease. Here I am in the same place: the same city, neighborhood, apartment--only seven weeks removed-- but things feel so different. For the first time since toddler-hood, I am not preparing to go back to school. Added to that, all the experiences of this summer and the things God has taught me are weighing on my heart. I am so grateful for all of this of course, but am struggling to apply any of it to daily life.

While on Campaign, we all knew we could not go a single step without lifting the whole day to God. We had no change at doing God's work without Him constantly before and behind us. But real life is not like Campaign. Each day is not scheduled to precision, nor am I going out on the streets asking people, "Who do you think Jesus is?" My every move is not about sharing the Gospel, nor am I called to live in community with 20-30 other people. My day-to-day existence during Campaign was unique, but my daily dependence on the Lord should not be.

Ironically, this summer I was never affirmed in the one area where I feel I best serve both God and people. Instead, God had something new to teach me. The work I was doing was not about me, but about the One I was speaking of each day. Each day I was pushed outside of my comfort zone, yet through this I learned a great lesson: My purpose is greater than the things I can do in my own power. On Campaign, this made so much sense because I was constantly asking God to "rid me of myself" and work through me. Back in Chicago, as I look for work, meet with friends, go grocery shopping, pay the bills, etc. it does not feel the same. How do I live this Truth in the "real world" and fully rely on God--even in the monotony of daily life?

And so I turn to the verse that has become for me a mantra: Psalm 138:8
"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me. Your love, Oh Lord, endures forever. Do not abandon the work of your hands."
I am learning, ever so slowly that here in Chicago, God has a different (yet no less important or fulfilling) purpose for me. Even though I don't know what His plan for my life may be, I know that I can trust it completely. And I know he will use whatever I have, whatever I am able to bring, for His glory.

Summer Update: Last days of Campaign

Summer Witnessing Campaign is defined as an "all out effort over a period of time where all personal interests and social interests, etc. are subordinated to the preaching of the Gospel, with as much energy as can be given to the task." These past six weeks have been just that. I have exhausted all of my strength (and have had to heavily rely on God's) to raise the image of Christ this summer.

I had been told stories of past Campaigns, so I had some idea of what to expect, but I jumped in with no idea of how God would truly use me this summer. But God is good, and he taught me many things about myself and my position in His Kingdom.
I've learned about being vulnerable. I've learned how to share my faith with anyone and everyone. I've learned about emptying myself so I can be filled with God. I have been affirmed that God has a plan for my life, and that He will fulfill His purpose for me (Pslam 138:8, my life verse this summer!). I have learned what it means to commit my way to the Lord, and fully rely on His strength. I have seen the power of prayer and the power of community. I have also seen the influence of the Enemy when we are not secured in the Armor of God.
I have seen God do miraculous things in the hearts of people, and I know He is moving in my own heat as well.

If it had been my choice, I would have come to to New York as a steward, not as a Campaigner. I would have been able to use my gifts of service . . . behind the scenes. But God knew what I needed. He pushed me out of my comfort zone and paved the way for me to serve as a "Campaigner" this summer. I would have never imagined that I would be able to go out on four Sorties a day (two rush-hour, and two "contact") for four weeks--standing out on street corners and in subway stations, proclaiming Jesus as the Messiah and engaging people in conversations about who He is.

From these experiences I have gained new confidence as a citizen of God's Kingdom. God has shown me that He will use what I bring, what I have to offer. I persevered through all the Sorties, and I am truly thankful for those experiences, but God also enabled me to take part in some creative evangelism.

I was fortunate to help create a new "Facebook" broadside.


My friend Morgan wrote the text, and I did the illustrations. It was so fun to but my gifts to use, and see the fruit of our labors. Younger people, especially younger Jews who often wouldn't give us the time of day, were more willing to take our literature because it reflected a trend that was relevant to them.

Our last week of Campaign involved a variety of creative Sorties. We had a brainstorming session, discussing different ways we could pass out broadsides and be visible to the people of New York City. Out of this session came the idea to do a visibility Sortie at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I jumped at the idea and was put in charge of creating a tour through the museum.




Focusing on four different pieces, I wrote a Bible Study that explained the aesthetics, outlined their Biblical basis, and involved reading Scripture out loud. Some of us were wearing Jews for Jesus t-shirts, while the rest served as "ringers." It was invigorating to "proclaim the Gospel" in the galleries, and at the same time "expertly" discuss the pieces in front of us.

So now Campaign is over. I cannot believe how quickly time flew! I have made some lasting friendships and seen God's hand at work in my life.

I could not ask for a more growing summer. But now it's time to go home. Now it's time for the hard part: taking what God has taught me and putting it into practice in real life. I will return to Chicago in a week (I'm staying in NYC a week to do the sight-seeing thing). I'll be returning to friends and work, but this next season will be one of transition. My prayer is that I truly seek after God's will as I step out in faith once again and enter the career world.

Thank you all for your prayers and financial support this summer. God is truly moving in this place!

Summer Update: Commit to the LORD whatever you do . . .

A couple days ago I woke up early to have some quiet time with God. Our days have been so full and I have been so exhausted that I have not devoted that time to God the way I should. On that particular morning I chose Pslam 16. Even though I am pretty much always unfaithful in my quiet time. God is always faithful when we come to Him. I read these words of truth:
"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Pslam 16:3

That word commit . . . I'm not a Biblical scholar, I can't tell you what the word is in Hebrew, Greek or German, but I do know that it is a powerful word. It involves more then just praying that God will help us through situations, it is really placing the whole thing in His hands and saying, "Use me, I trust in your plan."

In verse 9 the Psalmist goes on to say, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Here on Campaign we are each divided into teams with two to three members and a team leader. What I've learned these last few weeks is that following is hard. It doesn't matter if you are an independent minded person like myself, or a born follower, walking in the footsteps of another takes a lot of faith.

I so easily fall into my own steps, forgetting that I am to be following the One who has determined my steps from the very beginning. I am so inclined to set out on my own, but living in community here has been a great lesson in teamwork and following. Without these, we would not attain our goal.

These past few weeks, the monotony and intensity of Campaign has begun to feel normal. But out int the real world, away from these crazy schedules and ascribed community, Jesus has called each of us to follow Him. To commit to Him our very being--all our plans, hopes and dreams. After Campaign ends in one week, I am jumping into the unknown. I can say I have plans, but really I am stepping out in faith to what God has for my future. While the world views this mindset as weakness, I know (and am continuing to learn in our daily devotions and chapels) that in following Christ I can find freedom. For "whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord" (Psalm 16:20).

Campaign is almost over, but that does not mean God is done working. He has been showing me the work He is doing in my life, and the ways I am being molded for His purposes. My prayer is I will truly follow God's lead from this season to the next, and trust in His guidance--especially when I cannot see the path ahead.

Summer Update: "Rid me of myself, I belong to you"

Going out on sorties (when we handout our Gospel broadsides) is kind of like rapid-fire people watching. It's so interesting watching all the different kinds of people walk by. Some are interested in taking our broadsides. Some are even interested in engaging in conversations, or even just arguing. But most of them have their game-faces on--attempting to make their journey from here to there with as little communication, emotion, and especially vulnerability as possible. But unlike them, our business is vulnerability.

During training we learned the "go and tell" vs. the "come and see" method. We learned the importance of puttng ourselves out there to raise an image of Jesus Christ and tell people about the One who placed Himself in the most vulnerable position of all. . . just for us. We walk around in t-shirts that say "Jews for Jesus," proclaiming boldly our identity and message. As we do, we invite others to answer the question, "Who do you think Jesus is?"
What if everyone chose that kind of boldness?

Many people walk around with identity markers. For some it is a necklace; for others it's an image in a t-shirt. I have encountered many people so far who wear a cross or a Star of David around their neck, but it means nothing to them personally. Maybe it's a symbol of how they grew up, or a family heirloom. But I choose to believe that it is just an excuse so they don't have to explain what they really believe.

In chapel we've been singing a song entitled "Lead me to the Cross." The chorus says:
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross.

We go out to the streets, down to the subways, and into the parks, but we go as ambassadors of Christ. We are His hands and feet, His mouthpiece to those who are willing to hear God's message of Truth. My favorite line of that song is where it says, "Rid me of myself, I belong to you." That is my daily prayer: that God would truly rid me of my own selfish desires and weaknesses, that my identity would be like that of Jesus. As the people I am "people-watching" watch me, I don't want them to see a weak and weary servant, but the Light of Christ alive in me.